What is your dream job and why

This is so hard to answer! I'm in my late 30s and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!

I've been so many things: shop assistant, waitress, bar manager, secretary, marketing assistant, database manager, fundraiser, telesales executive, archaeologist, fund advisor, project officer, project co-ordinator, online tutor, trainer, presenter, photographer, and I'm sure others I've forgotten!

It's not that I'm no good at these things (although some have been more successful than others), it's more that I get bored easily, I always have done.

The best jobs for me are either short term contracts (where I don't have the chance to get bored, like the project manager roles), or the jobs that are so varied that they keep me interested for long periods - things like the fund manager/project officer job I had with English Heritage.

So, my dream job is hard to pin down. I guess it doesn't really exist, but there are a few things that it would have to have.

Variety

Autonomy

Flexibility

Ability to work from home

Money isn't that important, as long as I have enough to pay the bills and enough that I don't feel that I'm being exploited.

The hardest thing I've ever experienced

I hope not all of my posts in this series will be depressing, but this one is likely to be so I intend to keep it short.

The hardest thing I've ever experienced has to be the slow distressing death of my Mum.

For the last couple of weeks of her life she was completely bedridden and in pain despite being out of her head on morphine, she slept most of the time thankfully but when she didn't it was a living hell (for her and us).

I won't go into detail, those who were there don't need reminding, those who weren't really don't need to know.

Suffice to say, if someone you care about is terminally ill (or Bob forbid you are), get them to go into a hospice where their pain can be managed, their bedsores dealt with before they appear, their needs looked after by trained, experienced staff, and where you can 'be' with your loved one instead of 'nursing' them - losing someone is hard enough, don't make it even harder for all concerned.

5 things that make me happy right now

1. My house, all mine!
2. The fact that John and I seem to have found a way round things (even if it is unconventional).
3. Roller Derby.
4. Studying (I know, it's slightly weird!)
5. Living in Sheffield.

10 things to tell the 16 year old me

1. No boyfriend is worth wrecking your relationship with your parents over.

2. Work hard at school, there is plenty of time for partying afterwards.

3. Exercise, don't give up the roller skating - it may come in useful one day.

4. Build a strong relationship with your brother, one day he's all you'll have left.

5. Take note of the practical skills your parents have, and learn them - plastering, wallpapering and general DIY are useful skills to have.

6. Don't get into debt - save more than you spend.

7. Start a pension, and continue to pay into it.

8. Say YES to all opportunities (within reason), and never regret anything (except perhaps trying to bleach your hair!).

9. Friends are important look after them, and don't lose touch.

10. Take note of computers, learn to code and programme - its the future.

My relationship with my parents

Looking back, and obviously now they are gone that's all I can do, I know that my relationships with Mum and Dad were very complex, and not good for me as a person, especially as I got older.

Mum and I had a good relationship, I believe we were good friends (spending a year living with her in my late twenties helped). But after she died I realised how much she tried to control me and my life, although not intentionally, and not in a bad way.

Sometimes it seemed like didn't really have my own life, she always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing - she'd phone three, four, five times a day. And if I didn't answer the phone the messages would be more and more desperate. I know that she did this as she was interested, and because she felt her life was lacking, but it was exhausting and very intrusive for me. It's also left me with a loneliness that I hate but can't seem to shed.

Whenever I did anything I had to first think about what she'd think or say - and I didn't want to upset her (in my teens I did, but that's a whole other story!).

When she was gone I discovered myself a lot more, felt able to be me. I miss her terribly, but I'm sure that I wouldn't be as much 'me' if she was still here (I'll let you decide if that's a good or bad thing!).

Dad - now this is a hard one. In fact I think a lifetime of therapy probably would never untangle the relationship we had. I spent my whole life seeking Dad's approval, but honestly don't think I ever gained it.

He never understood me, I was female for a start and in his mind that meant that I should be a secretary/wife/mother (none of which I was likely to be), I was also headstrong, opinionated and confident (all inherited from him!) - he had a rather outdated view of women (like the feminist movement had failed to reach his world). He couldn't understand that many of the things he was interested in, so was I - racing cars, motorbikes and practical things - if I'd been a boy I think it would have been perfect for him.

He couldn't understand my complete lack of interest in money or status (Mum couldn't understand it either, but to a lesser degree), not long before he died we had a conversation about it where he told me that he'd begun to understand, and that he was envious of the freedom that being a 'bit of a hippy' gave me - that meant a lot to me, but I know that he really struggled with it.

Many of the hang ups and issues that I have now come from my relationship (or lack of it) with Dad, and his inability to understand (or even to appear to try to understand) me. I miss him more than I miss Mum, but I think that's mainly as there was so much unfinished business between us, and so many things left unsaid.

3 fears I have

Dying alone - although I'm not scared of dying, watching both parents die at a young age has made me think about death more than the average thirty-something. The realisation that I'll not have children, or get married makes me terrified of dying alone. Even if I'm with John (or anyone else for that matter) he's older than me and men tend not to live as long as women.

Having someone to look after you in old age is not a reason to have children, but the way things are going with the government and the state of the economy, I don't expect there to be a pension or any social care for my generation - so I sometimes wonder what old age will be like, and if there will be anyone by my bedside when I finally go.

Having to get an office job - although I'm not worried about having a job, I'm completely petrified of having to work in an office, with other people. For the last 14 years I've been a homeworker (that includes time as a student). So although I've worked, I've also had freedom to manage my own time and set my own work.

If I had a bad day (with PMT or such like) it didn't matter usually as I could just get on with my job and not have to interact with others if I couldn't cope with it. Okay, there were days when I was in the office, or had presentations to give, but I was in control.

My fear is that when I get a job after my course I'll have to go into an office with other people, and perhaps not be in so much control of the work I do and the time I keep. I know that many people reading this will think I'm being pathetic, but this is a really big fear for me.

Losing my mind - my grandmother (on Dad's side) had dementia, and there are mental health issues in the family (Mum's side), and I've not always been in the best of health myself (after Mum and Dad died, and my extreme PMT). I worry that as I get older I'll get worse. I try to keep fit and healthy (physically) as I believe this will help, and I also try to keep my mind busy - but I do worry sometimes what the future holds.

20 Random facts

For anyone who doesn't know what this is all about - visit the 'Random things about me' page for more information.

1. My shoe size is 6.
2. I hate the smell of air freshener and cut flowers, they remind me of death.
3. I love fish fingers.
4. I worry daily about my brother, but know that V will look after him.
5. When I was younger I wanted to be a librarian, now I'm not so sure.
6. My favourite word is 'discombobulated'.
7. I have three tattoos, but I've had five.
8. Although I drink coffee I don't like coffee flavoured things.
9. I'm more proud of my roller derby than I am of my degree.
10. Under my bed is a pair of size 22 jeans that used to fit me.
11. After six months without a car I hope I never have to have one again.
12. The thing that reminds me most of Dad is my bed, he bought it and put it together for me.
13. I will always ask for seat 13 on planes or at the theatre.
14. Imogen and Iver are the lights of my life (closely followed by Cat and Peter).
15. I'm glad I never had children, but some days I still feel broody.
16. I expect to always live in Sheffield.
17. Being a Northerner is very important to me.
18. I can't sleep with any part of my body sticking out of the duvet.
19. If I have nothing to read in the loo I'll read the back of the bleach/cleaner bottle.
20. I'm lucky enough to have some amazing friends, and I wish I saw them more often.