Shhhh, Quiet

It's something I've known for years, and that many people (except those who really know and understand me) cant quite believe - I'm actually rather shy, in fact I'd go so far as to say I'm an introvert hiding in the body of an extrovert!

When I saw that Susan Cain had written a book titled 'Quiet - the power of Introverts in a world that can't stop talking', I really wanted to read it - and now I have I have much more of an understanding of why I do some of the things I do, and more importantly, why and how I can be outspoken and loud but also crushingly shy and completely drained by social interaction.

One of the first things I learnt was that many introverts 'learn' very early on to act as extroverts - certainly something I've done. But that this comes as a cost, and isn't easy (even if to some it looks like it is).

Although I felt I already knew, and although it's obviously not scientific, there is a little test at the beginning of the book, which gives a broad test of if you are an extrovert, introvert or even an ambivert (somewhere between). Questions such as 'I prefer one-to-one conversations to group activities' (True), 'I often prefer to express myself in writing' (True), 'I feel drained after being out and about, even if I've enjoyed myself' (True), or 'I can concentrate easily' (False).

Out of 20 questions I answered 14 as true, and only 6 as false, putting me firmly in the the introvert camp, but having learnt some extrovert ways in the last 40 years - not surprising when we live in a world where those who shout the loudest get their way.

But I've found strategies, and many of them I'd not even realised were such. So, what does this mean? These are a few of the things that jumped out at me, and I recognised in myself -

- At school I was quiet, and bullied, I tried to counter this by acting up (or taking myself out of the situation as much as possible)

- I have lots of friends, but there is little or no overlap between them. I don't have groups of friends who all get together (even in the roller derby team I have a couple of good friends and then the rest I just consider as team mates)

- I can be outgoing, and outspoken - BUT, I have to be in the mood, and I find I need time alone to rest and recover after wards

- I hate small talk and I'm actually really bad at it, I prefer meaningful conversations about important things - this often appears over personal and like I'm over sharing.

- If I'm not in the mood I hang back, this often makes it seem like I'm not enjoying myself, I am it's just that I get overwhelmed easily (this often happens at roller derby)

- I often volunteer to go first at things - this is because otherwise the tension build up terrifies me if I have to wait

- Given a choice I like low personal lighting rather than bright overhead lights for the whole room - I often don't turn the lights on in my office if no one else is in

- I find contributing or expressing myself electronically so much easier - it gives me the time to work out what I want to say, and how I want to say it

- Making eye contact with people is difficult when I'm tired or have over socialised

- I build extra time into my schedule so that I have time alone (in the car or sat in a cafe) before meetings or other events where I'll need to be extrovert

- I'm often early to events and parties - so that I don't feel I'm walking into other people's space, but instead that people are joining me

- If I'm forced to work in an office with lots of other people I take more 'toilet breaks' in order to find what Cain calls 'restorative niches' - time alone to collect my thoughts

The whole book was fascinating, and strangely it's made me feel better about the fact that I enjoy 'me' time, and that I either don't attend or leave early from social events.  It's a really fascinating read, and I found myself reaching for Google and Wikipedia often - sometimes reading some of the quite academic papers cited - in particular I'm interested in Dr Brian Little and his studies and writings on 'Free Trait Agreements' for ways of dealing with differences in extrovert and introvert people who have to live or work together.

 

There is also a lot of discussion about the Myers Briggs Test, which I've done many times over the years online - usually with the same or similar results - ISTJ.

 

From Wikipedia -

 

ISTJs are faithful, logical, organized, sensible, and earnest traditionalists who enjoy keeping their lives and environments well-regulated. Typically reserved and serious individuals, they earn success through their thoroughness and extraordinary dependability. They are capable of shutting out distractions in order to take a practical, logical approach to their endeavors, and are able to make the tough decisions that other types avoid. Realistic and responsible, ISTJs are often seen as worker bees striving steadily toward their goals. Despite their dependability and good intentions, however, ISTJs can experience difficulty in understanding and responding to the emotional needs of others.

Although they often focus on their internal world, ISTJs prefer dealing with the present and the factual. They are detail-oriented and weigh various options when making decisions, although they generally stick to the conventional. ISTJs are well-prepared for eventualities and have a good understanding of most situations. They believe in practical objectives, and they value traditions and loyalty.

 

Not sure I'd agree with all of that, and I guess it depends on the situation.  I'll let you decided if it fits me - and to be honest I'm not sure what I think of these tests.  Apparently (according to Wikipedia) this also makes me an 'Inspector' on the Keirsey Temperament Sorter - along with Queen Elizabeth, Warrne Buffett, Queen Victoria and John D Rockefeller!!

 

Anyway, I really enjoyed this book, and think it's a shame that probably the majority of people who will read it are the introverts - and actually the extroverted would do well to read it to understand those around them - if of course, they could sit still long enough to actually read a whole book!!