Exhausted lumps

I probably won't post this entry until after I know what is happening, but I wanted to record ow I'm feeling.

It's Friday, I'm sat alone in a student cafe having just had some lunch. Before I came into town I had a doctors appointment.

With all the crap I've been dealing with recently, I could really do without finding a second breast lump. I should explain that I already have a small lump in my left breast. It comes and goes according to my monthly cycle (it arrives just before my period and lasts about a week) - its been checked and isn't anything to worry about.

So finding another one a while ago I didn't pay much attention, in fact even when I told John about it he dismissed my concerns by pointing out that it was probably the same as the last one.

But this one feels different, and is bigger, and not so round. And I am worried about it.

So off to sit for forty five minutes in a doctors, to have a three minute appointment, resulting in a referral to the breast clinic at the Hallamshire hospital. I should be seen within two weeks.

I know that some people wouldn't wait two weeks, they'd pay to go private....but I don't have the money, and the chances are its just a hormonal lump like the other one.

Mum had lots of breast lumps, she had the first few removed, but even when she died she had some - having decided that the operation wasn't worth it to remove lumps that were a danger.

I'm worried, but to be honest, the way I'm feeling it's just added another worry or stress to my already stressful life. I feel I should be happy, but can't find the enthusiasm or effort required just at the moment - and I guess that is actually the main problem, I'm exhausted.